ТЕМА: Эссе. Тренируемся в написании вместе

Проверьте эссе, прошу
Тема: Nowdays many young people go to study foreing languages abroad. However. others think that it is better to learn them in their home country.
Само эссе: In our global world more and more people study foreign languages in order to get a well-paid job. Many people believe that it is impossible to speak a foreign language fluently without visiting its native country. Others find it not compulsory.
As for me, I believe that it is not a serious problem to learn a foreign language in its home country. To begin with, while studying abroad, students have a chance to improve their language skills by talking with native speakers. Secondly, students have the opportunity to get knowledge about culture, lifestyle, and way of thinking of another country. As a result, teenagers broaden their horizons, thus, they gain a very important personal quality. Moreover, students make a lot of interesting friends and useful contacts.
On the other hand, opponents of this point of view believe that studying abroad have many disadvantages. Firstly, teenagers’ parents have to pay much money for their study and living. In addition, students have to leave their families, relatives and old friends. Therefore they can feel lonely.
I cannot agree with this, because if a teenager truly wants to study, he can find a job to help his parents to pay fees for his education. Furthermore, studying abroad cannot last forever and also there are a lot of gadgets and programs that can help students to communicate with their parents.
To sum up, I think that studying abroad is very useful experience for young people. But parents and relatives have to support them.

Анастасия Николаевна, что-то я не понимаю...

Светлана Александровна, она хочет, чтобы мы проверили ее эссе.

Извините, но, наверное, у нас не бюро добрых услуг. Пожалейте, пожалуйста, учителей. Ведь они загружены настолько, что времени на своих детей не остается.

Но, если доверяете, я проверю

Извините, времени немного, но кое-что скорректировал, посмотрите!
Тема: Nowdays many young people go to study foreing languages abroad. However. others think that it is better to learn them in their home country.
Само эссе: In our global world more and more people study foreign languages in order to get a well-paid job. Many people believe that it is impossible to learn a foreign language without visiting its native country. Others find it not compulsory.
As for me, I believe that it is not serious to learn a foreign language in its home country. To begin with, while studying abroad, students have a chance to improve their language skills by talking with native speakers. Secondly, they have an opportunity to get knowledge about culture, lifestyle, etc. As a result, teenagers broaden their horizons, thus, they gain life experience that is very important nowadays. Moreover, students make a lot of interesting friends and useful contacts.
On the other hand, opponents of this point of view believe that studying abroad have many disadvantages. Firstly, teenagers’ parents have to pay much money for their study and living. In addition, students have to leave their families, relatives and old friends. Therefore they can feel lonely.
I cannot agree with this, because if a teenager truly wants to study, he can find a job to help his parents to pay for his education. Furthermore, studying abroad cannot last forever! There are a lot of gadgets and programs that can help students to communicate with their parents.
To sum up, I think that studying abroad is very useful experience for young people. But parents and relatives have to support them.

Демидова Анастасия Николаевна, Вы недавно на сайте (кроме ФИО, к сожалению, на персональной странице ничего нет), но мне, простите, тоже не очень ясно, что означает выкладка уже второго написанного эссе в этой теме. Бывают некоторые вопросы, отдельные спорные моменты (либо по грамматике, либо по выбору лексических единиц в конкретном контексте, либо по структуре сочинения), но "проверьте, люди добрые всё,что не так" - это уже не комильфо